Sunday, December 2, 2007

How Do Mormons Do It?

I'm not sure when your mother and I will ever have sex again. We've been meaning to, but we've also been meaning to unpack a closet full of boxes from when we moved in a year and a half ago. You'll learn that putting something on a to-do list is usually a sign that it's not going to get done.

At first your mom was sick all the time, which wasn't particularly romantic. Then came the sonograms. Once I looked through that little bulge and saw the two of you wrestling on the other side, it became impossible to forget you were in there. You may have noticed how often I grab and shake you, address questions to you when it feels like your mother isn't listening, or read your nascent minds and relay your thoughts to your mother, as in, "Ripley and Nixon really want you to get me some ice cream," or "Ripley and Nixon said they're never coming out if you don't stop watching The Young and The Restless". The point it, you're always there, and the degree to which you're always there becomes more evident everyday. Your mom strikes a Hitchcock pose (hopelessly before your time) so often in order to show you off that I'm thinking of getting her the theme music.

I've read where some men are more sexually aroused by their wives the more pregnant they get. All I can say is that there's something wrong with them or me, and usually in these instances it's safe to point the finger at me. I'm completely aware that you aren't harmed, can't feel, and won't remember any sexual activity, but I'm aware of all the same things when it comes to our cats, and I still have to throw them out of the room. It's not that I find your mother unattractive. To the contrary, she's more beautiful than I can remember her. It's just that it's the kind of beautiful that makes me want to squeeze her into a tiny ball and put her in my pocket. It's the kind of beautiful that feels like hugging a panda bear. Or three (counting you two) panda bears. Maybe these other men are also sexually attracted to panda bears and I'm just not in the loop.

Now that we're pregnant I find that we talk about sex the way people having sex talk about getting pregnant. Do you want to try that? Would this work? When's a good time for you? What does the book say? What does Oprah say? They're the kind of dialogs that could turn Penthouse Forum readers into monks. Seduction rarely begins with the words, "Well, I Googled this and..."

But it's only for a few more months right? I mean, those guys in the space station, they're up there for like, years. Surely, between insomnia, diaper changing, and feeding there will be ample time for us to return to the wild and crazy people capable of making you in the first place. I think this little piece of conversation illustrates how that's going to go.

Me: How long do you breastfeed?
Your mom: Months. Years.
Me: And people have sex while they're breastfeeding?
Your mom: Yes.
Me: Really?

I think sooner rather than later is our only hope. I'm going to go see if I can find one of those Jewish wedding sheets that just have a small opening in them. Out of sight, out of mind, right? Maybe that's originally Hebrew. I'll Google it.

Novel - Ch13
Dunking - 28.5
French - Bebe, je t'aime.


Amy said...

Oh Goody - now our sex life is being broadcast to the world. Splendid.

Heather said...

And we all appreciate the laugh at the expense of the newlyweds *not* having sex like rabbits. :)

mikey said...

Frankly, I'm very worried about the obstacles the author will have to overcome in the postpartum phase.

Anonymous said...

Wow! You are very brave sharing this personal info with the world. I would say that it can only get better, but I've heard it only gets worse after baby. I guess that is what you sacrifice for a newborn baby (or in your case two). :)


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