The Old Dirt Pile

It's my birthday. I've been watching TV all day, but have heard no mention of this fact. I saw a story about a mound of dirt that two neighbors were refusing to claim. I feel like I'm at least as important as an unwanted dirt pile. I suppose I should find out more about the specific type of dirt before I say anything.

I promised you an update on things, so here it is. A few weeks back I kind of freaked out that there was no way in hell I was going to finish the book before you got here. Then I wondered if I had any business writing a book. I mean, you don't need a license, but I feel like if people were to read what I've written so far, that might change. And if I didn't finish before you got here, I didn't see myself finishing at all. People have told us a variety of things about newborns, but no one has said, 'it's a good time to work on a big personal project.' So I decided to fall back on what I know and write the screenplay version. When I say, 'what I know', I mean know in the way that a person who's used a microwave knows nuclear physics. But, while I'm no expert, I do have all the apparatus in place to put a screenplay in front of people which is more than I can say for the novel. That kind of makes it sound like I have a room full of chained up individuals who will agree to stare at screenplays but not books. And I do, but that's not what I'm referring to. Thus far that thing has just been a big money pit.

Anyway, I decided to take a couple weeks, write the screenplay and then stick it in a drawer so that if things got difficult, or you came early or whatever, I could give it to my people (not the chained up people, other people) and they could give me a check for several million dollars. It was going to be like my parachute. Like most homemade parachutes, it's currently pretty ragged and full of holes and sadly, if I have to use it, then the book's probably dead. There's lots of movies that follow books, but not many that go the other way around, at least not ones without pictures of Star Trek characters on the front. If we pull the ripcord I think the book goes down with the plane.

I've also made drastic changes to the jumping program. My new regimen requires me to eat a startling 6 meals a day. Not just any 6 meals, but an absurdly complicated 6 meals. The kitchen looks like a chemistry lab. It's unclear how making myself enormously heavy is going to help me take flight. My theory is that I am to balloon up into a ball shape and then literally bounce myself above the rim. If it works, I think the NBA might look very different by the time you start paying attention.

Novel - Going straight to video
Dunking - vertical leap currently 3 inches less that waist size
French - Remind me to get back to you on this