Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Does Any Of That Food Get On The Inside?

With the exception of my first semester in college, I never bought books for class.* About two weeks before the end of the term I'd realize that I didn't know anything about South American Cultures, or Linguistics, or whatever, and I'd hold study groups, invite all the kids who did buy books, and try to copy notes. And to think there's still outstanding loans for this education.

You two are starting to feel like one of those classes I didn't buy books for and I'm right back to begging the smart kids for information. When we get around people with kids now I'm like Jane Goodall in a monkey house. What are you doing? Why are you doing it? Is there really always this much crying? Does the urge to run away dissipate when they're your own kids? Seriously, there's always this much crying?

I have kind of a weak stomach. I tend to get sick at something as innocent as couples smearing wedding cake on each other. Seeing other people's kids eat is like mainlining Ipecac to me. I feel like I'm watching someone apply war paint made of pureed carrots. I really hope you guys like breasts and straws, because until you develop a decent set of teeth and passable table manners, those are the only ways I foresee being able to get food into you. Sippy cups forever!

Oddly, I think I have less of a problem now with the food coming out the other end. At least that's supposed to be disgusting. What I can't get used to is the public nature baby crapping. When you get older you'll discover that there are some people who use the bathroom with the door open and then there's people who want the door closed. Me, I'm a door closed in a house down the street kind of guy. So it's weird when I'm holding someone's baby and the kid gets this look of extreme concentration and the parents say, oh, there he goes. I feel like I should put them in a cabinet or something, give both of us a little privacy, and we can talk when it's over. But I seem to be in the minority. Seeing babies grunt into their diapers really entertains people. I'm surprised there's not a cable channel dedicated to it. I should put that on the list of possible ways to exploit you two for financial gain.

Communicating with your kind is also something I'm trying to work on. Yesterday I was talking to a naked baby and he kept pointing at his penis and saying, pee pee. I thought he was just filling me in on the various parts of his anatomy, and since he seemed to be identifying it properly, I just said, yes, pee pee.

So he peed. Right on the couch, floor, ottoman, etc.

He did warn me. I gotta give him that. But apparently talking to kids is like wishing on one of those monkey's paws. If you're really careful with your words you get your wish. If not, you should probably keep the paper towels handy.

Novel - still rewriting script
Dunking - Week 3 program 2
French - Qu'est que c'est le mot por pee pee?

*Freshman year I bought a book for class called 'The History of Movie Posters' which was just hundreds of pages of movie posters. It cost 65 dollars. That's when I decided I could do without. If I knew where my diploma was I'd put 'without books' next to the magna cum laude part. When you meet me you'll realize that this says less about how smart I am than how stupid a lot of classes are.

1 comment:

Jamie said...

"Seriously, there's always this much crying?"

You've met our baby, right?


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