Wednesday, October 24, 2007

That Would Explain All The Barfing

You know what would be funny? What if there was a guy who was on the fence about having kids, but his wife got pregnant just before their honeymoon, and rather than being mature and properly preparing himself to be a father he started desperately trying to dunk a basketball because somehow that would keep him young and free forever? And then, what if that guy and his wife went to one ultrasound and they took a picture of their baby which he named Bear, a picture he still has, a picture of Bear and Bear alone, but then a month or so later they went back and took another picture and it turned out that little Bear was in fact, not alone, but had been hiding an identical cohort the entire time?

Actually, I'm not sure it's that funny, but clearly you two thought it would be hilarious. So allow me to start all over, the way we apparently should have started in the first place.


And, Hello.

Now that we have the pleasantries out of the way, I'd like to point out that one of you is clearly lost. Your mom and I, we have no twins in our family history and we didn't use fertility drugs (at least I don't think so, but you have to admit that things are getting pretty damned suspicious). So, one of you is in the wrong uterus. You work this out among yourselves and as soon as you know who goes where we'll work on getting this straightened out.

Until then, fetus number two, welcome. Obviously, you're going to need a catchier fetus name, and going from that same list of awesome but maternally rejected names that we got Bear from, that makes you Danger. Danger and Bear. Danger Bear. You're like a superhero that fights sleep. Apparently you're both also girls, or at least that's the current theory based on the angle of some bone you're both making, so expect your real names to be slightly less awesome. Of course, before you start thinking about prom dresses, please bear in mind that this guess comes from the same people who thought there was only one of you. Who knows what we find on the next visit.

Now, the cheapskate in me feels like any time you can get something 2 for 1 you've got to jump at it. And if putting diapers behind me the first time means I've put them behind me for the last time, then I'm all for it. That said, I was feeling like I'd be lucky to survive one of you. Now you come at me with the double team, I'm feeling a little shaky. When I got home from getting the news about you two I found an abandoned kitten under the porch, and if my efforts to feed this thing a bottle are any indication you're both going to have to get a lot of your nutrition off your feet. Think about that while decide if you want to pull any more stunts.

Bottom line, the nine months were not just for you. We, meaning I, need a long lead in to get the head screwed on straight. A little hint about you being a pair would have been nice. Then again, how often do you get to pull a prank while in utero? I kind of admire your commitment to the bit.

Seriously though, if we come back next month and there's four of you, I'm heading for Nova Scotia.

Novel - Ch9
Dunking - Wk2
French - Unit 2

1 comment:

Jeff A said...

Congrats! I think? If you need a new script idea I think you have one here b/c I am laughing my ass off. I’m not sure if that’s the true intent of your posts or not, but I’m rolling here. This resonates with all males. The feeling of life ending as you know it, the thoughts of the unknown, the worry, but in the end it hits you square in the mouth and everything is better than if you had won the lotto. In your case twice…on the same day.


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