Monday, October 22, 2007

Choosing Your Sexual Organs

Choosing your sex organs is one of the most important decisions you'll make while in utero, determining in an instant whether you'll spend your life waiting in absurd lines for public restrooms or being free to just pee on the side of the road. So it seems as good a time as any for the first of what will inevitably be a series of uncomfortable discussions during your lifetime which involve the words penis and vagina.

Some thoughts on being a girl. In a nutshell, women don't get to be Offensive Linemen. Men can be utterly fat, lazy, and average without anyone making the slightest mention of it, but a woman could resurrect Jesus and someone somewhere would ask, "yeah, but is she hot?" Cosmopolitan, size zero, high heels, cellulite, breast augmentation, lipstick, eyeliner, pantyhose, waxing; all burdens for which there is no male equivalent. I, for instance, have been wearing the same clothes for several days and cut my own hair with dog grooming equipment, and yet they just let me walk around. None of this is fair, but I don't expect it to change by the time you show up. If you decide to go this route, try to steer clear of my DNA when forming all your exterior structures. Use me for like, the pancreas.

Some thoughts on being a boy. The smartest boys are still incredibly stupid. I'm confident even Einstein's pals got him to try jumping his bicycle over a mailbox a time or two. That's probably how he discovered gravity. If he discovered gravity. I can't say definitively because I've had a lot of head injuries, which is the point. The list of things I've jumped, fallen, or crashed into seems to refute Darwinism all by itself. And this is all just to impress other guys. We haven't even gotten to what males will try to impress females. The bottom line is, while the demands of being a girl can be absurd, at least you're far less likely to produce a headline like "Died On Fire While Backyard Wrestling".

So those are your options. Frankly, I know neither one sounds all that great, but I suggest you still pick one or the other. Trying some of each is something you should do when you're having tapas, not building sex organs. A lot of people have asked if I have a feeling about which way you'll go. Frankly, I have no idea. If we had waited for them to get cloning dialed in like I wanted, we could know that you were going to grow up to be a gorgeous brilliant woman. As it stands, any deviation from that will be my fault. When I'm asked what I want I usually say, 'an Amy'. But, if you do decide to take after me, I'd stop at the penis.

Novel - On to Ch9
Dunking - wk2
French - Lesson 4

1 comment:

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